coquetterie

Undoubtedly someone, somewhere, will be pissed off by this post. More than one, I believe.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m going to open up as much as I can (non-disclosure agreement and all that). I work for a boutique phonesex and domination agency. The majority of my clients are submissives seeking a Mistress. They are public figures, executives or high-profile men that cannot seek out a face-to-face Mistress. Or, they feel they are unable. Ergo, they find me.

This afternoon, an interesting discussion between a client and I erupted. We began by discussing submissiveness and dominance and what I like and why. What I prefer, at this point, isn’t germain to this conversation. It’s the point that I want to make; the point that I shared with the client. I mentioned that mainstream media (magazines, film and internet) project a stylized ideal of what a female dominant ought to be. And this ideal has no basis in reality save for a very small minority.

From that point, we moved into murkier waters What makes a submissive submissive? Why does a dominant dominate? To some, I explained, it’s gender roles. Men dominate and women submit. And suggesting that it’s that simple is wrong others would say.

Earlier this week? this month? two excellent writers, Bitchy Jones and Bad Man, aired their opinions. Generally, I agree with much of what Bitchy says. I think it’s completely ignorant to fetishize and sell an ideal of female domination when the majority of female dominants in no-way-or-shape resemble her. Yet, at the same time, I think the chip on Bitchy’s shoulder, from being different, clouds her judgment.

And her last post, I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t focus on it. It just seemed like a lot of ranting at men: why they are wrong and she is correct, why female domination is wrong and she will be the savior of it.

Bad Man seems to suggest that dominance and submissiveness lie in the genetic code. And, whilst on some level, I agree. I just don’t believe it’s simply that cut-and-dry.

I work with men daily. They come in all shapes, sizes and colors like women. The men I speak with are type-A personalities, dominant and out-going in their public lives and careers. Yet, in the bedroom, they submit. Not only because they enjoy it, rather they need it. They crave submission. That is my experience.

Not all men are like this. Some may be genetically inclined towards submission; however, other factors intervene, pushing them to it. Some have only experience with overbearing or controlling women that shapes them. Some might have enjoyed their first experience with a partner and explored and grew in their submission.

Women can be born submissive or dominant just like men. Being wired, as I am, means that I am born this way and that’s okay. I have found that with dominance and submission, it is a give and take. A rare person can be purely submissive or dominant. I find that my mind is wired one way for sexuality, but it doesn’t always overflow into other aspects of my life. Outside influences do play a large part. I think we need to recognize that and accept it.

I told my client early that most people would never imagine that I did this for a job. Everyone mistakes my shyness, my reticence to speak publicly and politeness for being a doormat, a push-over. I am far from it. I have the ability to wind men around my finger and I revel in it. I love the rush of power it gives me, how it makes me feel.

So, in closing, I do not agree with the statement that men are dominants because of evolution or genetics. I do agree with the statement that men and women are dominant because of genetics and societal influences. The same, I say, for submissives. Members of both sexes can be wired either way. I’m certain there were overbearing and obnoxious cave women, you know.

Technorati Tags: BDSM, Bitchy Jones, Badman Badplace, Domination, Submission, D/s, Philosophy, personal opinion

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